By the Grace of God

Friday April 12, my family is going to be on Good Day Sacramento, a local Good Morning America style show. My mom has a segment promoting her book and the family was invited to be there in the background or something. I'm actually not sure what it is going to be like but McKenna and I will be vlogging the experience for Kelsey and Ken.

My mom got a call on Friday from the producers of the Jeff Probst Show, remember we filmed for them last August?-> http://purplediego.blogspot.com/2012/08/lights-camera-action.html
My parents are also on the commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZqYPfUf9rE&list=FLNczIx9tQtfridvt5WfmkRg&index=1

Well they are finally airing our show on August 21. They were asking for updates on the family and mom said she had her book published, Jordan had joined the marines and that McKenna had been in her pageant in January. It really bothered me that she did not include any information regarding the rest of the family because there is a lot of things that the family has done. For example, one of the highlights of my life, besides taking 7 classes, and being first chair clarinet in the MJC day band is being a deacon and an usher at church. I consider those positions to be an honor, and I am referred to as the "Starbucks girl" more often than not.
The other day my mom bought be a beautiful dress, I am in love with it and I can not remember my mom ever buying me a dress like that. She has purchased McKenna more dresses like that than I can count, and I feel like no matter what, my sisters and I are never going to get the same sort of attention that she gets. No matter how my weight fluctuates, or how I do my make up lighter or darker, or even got the blonde highlights she likes, or how many classes I take or how many "A's" I get, or how many theater classes I take I am never going to capture the interest of her. I have only done one audition in LA because of her efforts and my sisters have don't more than I could count and no matter how much I express my interest in that area, I either am not heard or ignored. I had an audition in San Francisco in November of 2011 and she did not allow me to go even though I had told her I would pay for my own gas in advance.
Yes I am 26, but I am living at home and am a part of the family, but I do not often feel like part of the family. Sure I can drive people around and do chores, but that is the extent of my involvement. It would be nice to really feel like part of the family, and I try, but I keep telling myself that I will get used to the empty feeling I have been feeling for years and years on top of years.

Oh well, I have three weeks of classes left and then I have finals and my bustiest semester will be complete. I still have to attend another play in the next two weeks and write my LLT on it for my theatre class. I was hoping to go to a show earlier today with Mom and McKenna but the conversation I had with my mom about attending must have gotten lost in her head because I was not invited, so I am on the verge of a major major freak out about finding another play to go to.

 I have a meeting with my counselor on Monday morning to make sure I can take the two history classes this summer that will give me the option of applying to CSU's. I am currently on a UC path but I really want to see what my options are. I will be transferring as a theatre major, but I am also interested in music and psychology and really want to find what it best for me, through the grace of God.

I'm just super anxious and excited for this summer and fall, and even more so for what will be happening next year when I graduate and transfer.

School let out over three weeks ago, and I am going crazy. I read some, I go online some, I hang out with my family some, and I have been catching up with a couple of TV shows on Netflix. I have been enjoying the plethora of shifts at work. The next few paychecks are going to be a real blessing. But I can not wait for school to begin again...in 13 days...<_<

I have started lists of schools I'm going to be applying to this fall. Yes this fall I will be finally applying to numerous universities. Here is what I get to factor into these lists:

-I am still going to be graduating with my AA in Language Studies from MJC.
-Theater Major vs. other majors (i.e. psychology, music etc.).
-UC vs. CSU vs. other out of state schools.

These are the logical aspects to applying to school. The other parts I consider important to deciding a school are location, and what is around that I can make a career out of. What will make me happy? I'm sure I could get a good education here in the valley at StanState or in the Bay Area, but I am at this point convinced I won't be happy there.
I have an idea of two schools I am for sure marking as my goal, but its the back up's and other options I am listing. I'm adventurous, I'd love to explore a little more of the world.

I have also been ripping myself up over where I'd like to attend. I have been feeling torn over two locations and it changes on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. How do I deal with the super hard life altering decisions? Hand it over to God. I decided that after my research, I am going to apply to my "x" amount of schools, with an open mind and heart and let God decide where he wants me to go. I also am praying for strength and courage and trust in this decisions because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to that decision without any regrets or "what if's" or "if only's."

Be True to Your School

The last blog I make was pretty long so I'll keep this pretty short. (Famous last words).
School begins in four days and I said I was planning on taking:

Engl 103 Advanced Composition & Critical Thinking
Math 121 Pre-Calculus 1
Cmpsc 204 Introduction to Programming

I am currently enrolled for Cmpsc 204, and I am number 9/17 on the wait list for Math 121, and number 11/12 on the wait list for Engl 103.
I took Cmpsc last fall and I got a "D" in it, but for a very stupid reason. I got "A's" on all of my tests, quizzes and homework, and came to every class, and spent countless hours in the computer lab. I failed to turn in 4 homework assignments, and they count for a large amount of the final grade. I am taking the same professor so I already have the book. I am not going to turn in my old assignments, I am going to really work hard and earn the grade I deserve in this class.
I'll be honest, I will not be 100% disappointed if I do not get into the math class. On one hand, it puts me a semester behind in transferring to UCSD, but on the other hand, it gives me a whole semester more to keep studying algebra in preparation for pre-cal.
I'd really like to get into English because I really want to be done with my English requirements. I actually messed up a bit. When I registered, I was number 2 on the wait list. MJC is now letting you know if you get into a class through your school email, and I rarely check it. I got in and was told I had 5 days to add the class, and I never did so I was dropped form the wait list. I had to re add it and now I am way down on the list. My own fault, I know.

I took time off from work to take band and choir, and volunteer at church. I am going to be super busy, but I am excited because besides working and studying, I've been a lazy bum all summer.

For the first time ever, I am looking forward to autumn, the weather changing and cooling off in preparation for the holidays. This season is going to be awesome I can tell. God is working already in my life.

My job is really frustrating me. I will spare you the details, but if you'd like to pray for me, pray that my manager's heart softens toward me. That is all, don't even pray for me, pray for my manager and my shifts.

Thank you all, I am truly blessed.

Blog Needs A Make-Over

I changed the scheme of my blog today. It felt like the right time. For so long, the background picture was the view out of the window of an airplane, and I liked it. It represented travel, adventure and moving forward.
When I had xanga (remember that???), I would change the theme a few times a month. They would be tropical colors, and eventually I moved on to Cirque du Soleil ideas. I never used a picture of myself for the profile picture, mostly because up until around 2006, I did not have any pictures of myself on the internet.
Myspace followed the same general layout until around the time I left the site and joined Facebook. Everyone's Facebook looks exactly the same, and after how out of control the Myspace layout's have become, I appreciate the simplicity of it.
When it comes to my blog, I want to it be a reflection of me. It is my blog, my own personal corner of the massive Internet that I can almost call my own, for I do not own blogger.
After failing to receive any input via the Internet on opinions or ideas, I ventured out on my own to gather a few things I like in picture form. I found pictures regarding killer whales, water, coffee, tea, geese flying in formation, plumeria, music, clarinets, beaches, books, and I settled on the current one of a heart on the beach.
I decided on the picture, a heart on the beach in black and white because well, I liked it. I'm not sure if is a full representation of me right now, but maybe who I want to be. I don't really have love or innocence in my life right now. The ocean is great and mighty...I'm not really sure where I am going with this idea. I just liked it, and I also liked that the heart was upside down.
Maybe I'll find a real reason I like it sometime soon.


So far, God has granted me three days of peace, and I pray it continues. He is good, and I know he is working in my life and my future. He has given me the strength to move on, and I am ready to.

Summer Lovin'

Summer of 2011 has been a very interesting one so far. My class ended three weeks ago and I think I did very well. By the time the final came around, I had a 78% in the class. I think I did pretty well on the final, so I am assuming I got a "B" in the class. It was very intense, a whole class packed into 5 weeks. We read 2-3 essays or short stories per day, three essays to write, three response papers, 4 quizzes, and two in class essays. I am willing to bet that if I had a better environment, I could have done better. But let's not focus on that part of the past. I did the best I could have in the circumstances I was given, and I am satisfied with that. I learned a lot, made some class friends, and just enjoyed myself.
The day after my class was done, Greg, McKenna, Shannon and myself took off for the beach house in Carlsbad for a few days. One of his cousins was getting married, so we decided to make a trip out of the event. It was a cute wedding, short and to the point.
During the time down there, we also got an opportunity that meant the world to me and my sisters, we got to go to Newport Beach and Balboa Island. Those places hold such a significant place in our hearts, I wish Greg was not such a grump the whole time. If it were not for the stories that I've read that took place in Newport Beach, I would be a very different person. Thank you God for allowing Robin Jones Gunn to write her books that have inspired me and affected, strengthened, and clarified my relationship with You. It was almost like traveling to Mecca for me. It was a spiritual experience for me, I really wish Greg could have understood that.
That night we had dinner at Downtown Disney and watched the fireworks. I enjoy going there sometimes.
The next day, we had a tour at UCSD, oh how I love that place! I find such great joy when I think about my potential attendance there. I would give anything to live on campus and maybe even study abroad for a time. I yearn for a true college education and experience and travel. I want adventure in the great wide, somewhere, I want it more than I can tell...
We also spent a little time in San Diego, the city I love and I have fallen in love with that city. I have felt for years that God has been leading me to San Diego. I had a wonderful Presbyterian church, and I always had something to do.
It was a wonderful trip, I had some amazing "God Moments" and I continue to pray that He works in my life and allows me to go back there soon.

The Past

Does anyone else go back and read their old blogs from various sites? Or perhaps from friends old blogs? I can not believe how much I have changes in 5 years. For the better of course. I have certain friends who are on a very destructive path and I pray out for them daily. There is no possible way that they are truly happy with how they are living their life. I honestly sit and think about how things were, how we screwed up and see what came of it. I had a bad long term relationship that I could blame a lot of on myself. And I honestly sometimes miss the life style I had in San Diego. I would honestly go back and try over

Not Quite Ready to Face The Facts

Current mood:strong

Carleton Hardy Jr. passed away May 22, 2008, in Fremont. He was 83.

Carleton was born Sept. 4, 1924 in Chico to Carleton and Dorothy Hardy. He resided in Fremont.

Carleton was a World War II veteran and served in the U.S. Army. He graduated with a degree in engineering and worked for the Ford Motor Co. for 45 years.

He was a member of the Centerville Presbyterian Church and the U.C. Berkley Engineering Alumni Association.

Carleton enjoyed sailing; he played recorder in recorder quartet and sang in the church choir. He is survived by his loving wife of 59 years, Muriel, of Fremont; children, Kathryn Millen, of Castro Valley, Carleton Hardy, of Fremont, Ralph Hardy, of Atwater, Thomas Hardy, of Modesto, and Ruth Mollenkopf, of Livermore.

Funeral Services will be held at 1 p.m. on June 7, 2008, at the Oddfellows Cemetery Gazebo in Orland.

Memorial contributions may be made to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

Arrangements are under the direction of F.D. Sweet & Son Mortuary, Orland.

--------
Resident of Fremont Born September 4, 1924 in Chico, CA. Died May 22, 2008 in Fremont, CA. Carl was raised on a farm in Orland, CA, joined the ARMY following high school, was shipped overseas where he became a POW in Poland. Surviving his ordeal, he returned to the states to attend college at U.C. Berkeley, earning a degree in engineering. Carl gained employment with Ford Motor Company where he worked for 45 years. He met & married his college sweetheart, Muriel Dietz, at First Presbyterian Church, Berkeley & they raised 5 children in Fremont, CA. Carl sang in the choir & taught Sunday School at Centerville Presbyterian Church for 50 years & worked tirelessly in his retirement for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation after 3 of his grandchildren were diagnosed with CF. Memorial service will be held at Centerville Presbyterian Church, 4630 Central Ave. Fremont, Saturday, May 31 at 2pm. Please send any gifts or memorials to CF Foundation.

My gramps was my hero in so many ways. The cause of my love for music, my courage for adventure, and my support system in failure and knowing it is ok to mess up every one in awhile. He was a romantic, artistic, and creative beyond anything I could do sort of person. When I think about how I am feeling about this, the only thing that comes to mind is "I really really miss him." There is such a hole in my heart for this amazing man.
I decided that I am going to let myself feel however I feel until I leave for WDWCP. After that, my mind and emotions are going to be completely focused on working and playing in Orlando. I have 10 days left to be sad and in a slight state of shock, then on with life and myself to look after.

It has been just about a year since Bri went home to be with Jesus, and about a month since Smokey went as well. Now this making three memorial services in the past year has been really hard on me. After taking a lot of time to think about these sort of things, I gain a lot of strength knowing that most of this in the end is not really going to matter. Whoever wins the election; it is not going to matter in the end. Gas prices are not going to matter in the end. Focus on the people you love, focus on yourself, and most of all focus on God.

No go?

Well the closer it comes, the more it looks like we aren't going to Sea World.. Grah, there go my hopes, my dreams, my future... or at least a perfectly good Saturday afternoon in San Diego. I'm not sure if some people know just how much this means to me. Well, 'Love is patient...' God is always on time and rarely a day late. Just got to learn to let go.

Currently Reading: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Friends

Some of God's greatest gifts are good friends, like really good friends. Like the really good friends who are Christians. Maybe the ones who are a little more than friends... The ones that you can talk to about anything.  In times of need they are there to make almost everything all better with out even trying. It really makes the difference in everything. Even with all of the crap going on right now, I have seemed to forget most of it. I can't really describe it, I really can't. You just have to know.

Prince Charming

I just got hit with a lightning bolt from heaven. I was taking with a friend recently and she said she really wants a boyfriend. So, we got talking about different things we like in different boys and she said something that really hit me. She said she wanted the perfect boyfriend. OK, so no one is perfect and I told her this. Now as I was sitting in my Comp. Lit. class fooling around on mugglenet.com, and I don't know if it was God, or whatever, but I realized that she and I want the perfect boyfriend for us!. I really want the perfect boyfriend for me. Sure he is not perfect by anyone's standards, but he will be perfect for me! I haven't found him yet and I really hope my prince charming is coming soon. God is always on time and rarely a day early. So if you think your him or know him, give me a buzz. Sorry, I'm really in this really weird mood, I'm dog-tired, and I have been consulted by the Creator.
Someday, my prince will come...someday we'll meet again...

Passion

Wow...I saw The Passion of the Christ this afternoon, and the only thing I can really say about it is it really makes you think. It really happened, it was not exaggerated and...I'm still just thinking about it. How could someone love me that much and go through that just so I could be saved...If I were at home alone, I'd probably be reading my Bible and...wow It's just a really heave burden to carry on my mind. How could someone really love my that much???