Sunday, April 07, 2013

By the Grace of God

Friday April 12, my family is going to be on Good Day Sacramento, a local Good Morning America style show. My mom has a segment promoting her book and the family was invited to be there in the background or something. I'm actually not sure what it is going to be like but McKenna and I will be vlogging the experience for Kelsey and Ken.

My mom got a call on Friday from the producers of the Jeff Probst Show, remember we filmed for them last August?->
My parents are also on the commercial:

Well they are finally airing our show on August 21. They were asking for updates on the family and mom said she had her book published, Jordan had joined the marines and that McKenna had been in her pageant in January. It really bothered me that she did not include any information regarding the rest of the family because there is a lot of things that the family has done. For example, one of the highlights of my life, besides taking 7 classes, and being first chair clarinet in the MJC day band is being a deacon and an usher at church. I consider those positions to be an honor, and I am referred to as the "Starbucks girl" more often than not.
The other day my mom bought be a beautiful dress, I am in love with it and I can not remember my mom ever buying me a dress like that. She has purchased McKenna more dresses like that than I can count, and I feel like no matter what, my sisters and I are never going to get the same sort of attention that she gets. No matter how my weight fluctuates, or how I do my make up lighter or darker, or even got the blonde highlights she likes, or how many classes I take or how many "A's" I get, or how many theater classes I take I am never going to capture the interest of her. I have only done one audition in LA because of her efforts and my sisters have don't more than I could count and no matter how much I express my interest in that area, I either am not heard or ignored. I had an audition in San Francisco in November of 2011 and she did not allow me to go even though I had told her I would pay for my own gas in advance.
Yes I am 26, but I am living at home and am a part of the family, but I do not often feel like part of the family. Sure I can drive people around and do chores, but that is the extent of my involvement. It would be nice to really feel like part of the family, and I try, but I keep telling myself that I will get used to the empty feeling I have been feeling for years and years on top of years.

Oh well, I have three weeks of classes left and then I have finals and my bustiest semester will be complete. I still have to attend another play in the next two weeks and write my LLT on it for my theatre class. I was hoping to go to a show earlier today with Mom and McKenna but the conversation I had with my mom about attending must have gotten lost in her head because I was not invited, so I am on the verge of a major major freak out about finding another play to go to.

 I have a meeting with my counselor on Monday morning to make sure I can take the two history classes this summer that will give me the option of applying to CSU's. I am currently on a UC path but I really want to see what my options are. I will be transferring as a theatre major, but I am also interested in music and psychology and really want to find what it best for me, through the grace of God.

I'm just super anxious and excited for this summer and fall, and even more so for what will be happening next year when I graduate and transfer.

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