I am not a good crier. People in movies are really good at crying. I get all gaspy and I wish I were better at it. I'm only 20 and I went to my best friend's funeral today. I'm not supposed to do something like that at my age. I cried a lot, and so did my friends and I really suck at crying
I also decided that I am not afraid to die. I'm not going to go crazy and try to kill myself, but I've been pondering it all day. For the first time, Heaven became a real place to me. And Brianna is waiting for me there. I decided that I *am* going to be with her again, and forever, very soon! Soon being relative to our time versus God's time. For that realm, my lifetime could seem like a blink for them. I don't know.
So after thinking about Heaven being a real place, I began to think about the moment where she closed her eyes, and opened them to find herself holding on to Jesus hand, in a new perfect body. I was raised a good Christian girl, and I know that I was guaranteed a place in Heaven when I was like 3. And now more then ever, I want to be on God's side throughout my life. But I don't want to go overboard like my mother has. I like rock-n-roll music, I like movies with cruel humor, and I have even cursed...all non-Christian things. I really want to balance out my life, be back on the Lords side, but still be part of this world. Ponder this more I shall...
I also have this really creepy feeling every time I do ANYTHING. For the first time, Bri has not a clue what I'm doing, or what is going on in the world. She is never going to know who our next president is going to be. She has no clue who I am going to end up marrying, or what my kids are going to be like. Or that I'm making a blog entry. She is never going to know if I ever become a Shamu Trainer, or even graduate college.
I'm taking this really hard, so please call me, write me, and message me anything! I need everyone more than ever.