Saturday, January 20, 2007

Current mood:relieved
There have been a lot of things going on and I've had quite a few phone calls this week because my life does not seem to add up right now. Why is Kelsey living in Napa with her aunt? Why did she quit Sea World? Where is she going to school? And the big bomb: What happened to you and Ben?
I have avoided this topic for awhile because I did not want this blog to get re-routed to the SD colleges server. I did not want to write anything rash about him, and make him look bad infront of my friends or his friends. But that community is not part of my life any more.
So here is what I have to say about the matter:
Ben and I were together for two years. I ended it on Christmas day.  For two years, I wasn't Kelsey. I was either forced by Ben or I was forcing myself to be a girl that would please Ben. He has recently confessed to me and my parents that he was very selfish while we were in San Diego.
There was a time when I felt ready to leave San Diego. I was ready, and he wouldn't let me go, because he needed me. He needed me more than he wanted me and that was the biggest strain I've ever felt. I was his motivation in school, and work. I'm stronger than that. I never needed him for support like that. I needed a boyfriend, or even a friend, and he treated me like a child. He confessed to me and to my parents he was treating me like a four-year-old child. Children do not often gain a whole lot of respect from their parents at that age. They can not often have an intelligent conversation with a child of that age.
After the summer ended, my hours at Sea World were cut back to mostly weekends. But it was at that time that I poured my heart and soul into my job. When I left Sea World on New Years Eve, I was up for a promotion, and I walked away from it. I wanted to cry that night, but I couldn't.
It is an interesting thing . I never cried until I moved to San Diego. I remember crying my senior year with Mickalyn and Cindy and Alicia when the band went through a huge scandal and it was up to the seniors to keep us together through  those 3 months. But I just did not cry. When I moved to San Diego, I think I cried almost every day. Most of the time, I did not want to cry, but I did. I wanted to cry the night I left Sea World, but I didn't. I got off at 10 and Freddy and I walked through the park one last time. He and I walked down by the Shamu stadium, by Dine With Shamu, and by the underwater viewing windows. Then he walked me to my car, hugged me, and I wanted to cry.
I haven't cried sense then either. I've wanted to. When I think about the good times we had together. He took me to San Francisco to see the premiere of Howl's Moving Castle. In June last year, he and I got a hotel room at 3 in the morning in LA because his car broke down. We didn't take advantage of the situation and we found that ironic. I remember watching hours of anime, Gilmore Girls, Battlestar Galatica and House with him.
Thing is, now that it is over, I'm not sad. I feel bad for him because I have other things to live for. I was never told not to dream when I was a child, and I think he was. I have my dreams, I have school, and Sea World in my future. I'm wearing my hair down these days. I'm up in the middle of the night, drinking coffee and enjoying the quiet times of my home here in Modesto. I'm back to a time in my life when I can do anything I want and I'm not scared about what he is thinking about it.
Ben has told me he is not ready and is not going to be ready for a long time to see other people. I on the other hand have already made an effort to move on. I've been ready for a long time. I've always been a "jump into the deep end" kind of person. Well not really. But I am when I don't have Ben breathing down my back.
To conclude this, I don't think Ben is an entirely bad person. He does not think I am an entirely bad person either. I haven't talked to him a whole lot in the past 2 weeks, and that's cool. He has been hanging with his friends most of the time, and spending way too much money. That's what he gets for being a "rich kid" I on the other hand, I'm trying frantically to get my life together. I have 2 classes so far at Napa Valley College (hoping to add 3 more), I have a few unique opportunities to get some serious animal experience under my belt in the next few months (horses baby!), and meh I still need to get a job =/ I like having money, but I don't really have any solid bills to pay anymore. So this is a bittersweet matter I am going through. I need gas, and I have a Netflix account to keep up with. Plus I have to keep my credit in order.
 So yeah I hope my life adds up now, please, feel free to ask me any questions you may have!

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