Friday, May 28, 2004

Music, for thought

I had the weirdest dream I was in Fever and man, don't I wish it came true. I'm not sure if anyone can really understand how hard it was for me to admit I couldn't do it this year. I had such a blast doing it while I could, but there are too many things happening in my life that won't allow me the honors. I have a friend I'm hoping to spend some time with this summer because I'm fearing her life is coming to an end. She lost almost all of her friends these past two years or so and I just want to be there for her while I can. Then I really need to continue finding a job because even though I'm just going to JC, my parents have made it clear that they are mot going to help me financially in any way. So, I  have to pay for that and attempt to get myself my license, because they won't do that either. So I'm mostly going to be on my own this summer with no one to help me. Plus, like I could afford Fever with a list like that on top. I mean, I will probably find time to do other things this summer, like going to Mexico with my church and somethings a little more tame to do.
If I could give up anything to do it, I would, please someone understand this. This is not really my choice, but I have to get my life and together. Music is something I love to do, but I'm not good enough at it. I got myself involved in so many things, hoping it would help me improve in some way. But nothing has come out of it except a damaged friendship and a lost cause. I could never take it up as a career, because my parents and I both know I'm not that good. They could never afford to get me lessons or anything else. They get bugged when I have to ask them for reeds or anything related to that. I mean with the career I'm trying to get myself into, I'm going to be poor as it is cause trainers don't get paid a lot as far as I'm concerned.
Well I could talk about the rain, cause I don't think anyone is reading this anymore. I usually hate the rain because it is so cold and I hate the cold. I'm always cold. Even in the summer I get cold. But the rain last night was so wonderful, it reminded me of the rain in Hawaii. Those times are perhaps the most magical places in the world. The warm feeling of small specks of water dancing to the rhythm of the wind and moving water. I went out to the balcony and just looked up to the wonders of the universe and just dreamed of the times to come, what ever they might bring and where ever they take us. Then, a sense of loneliness swept over me and carried me into the shelters.
So one of the last dreams of mine for completing my high school career was doing Fever and then I had a dream of it happening and so I got all depressed today. But I got an A on my notebook for economics and took my last test in the class. It was slightly less then perfect, but then so am I. I guess I should probably turn in the book, but I still have 15 minutes til the bell rings and then  I just go to math, the class in which I hold the highest grade.
I think one of the scariest thoughts is I might only be taking one music class in college, if even that. I've have dedicated my whole life to it for 8 years and this is coming to an end.
Oh, David isn't coming back to Modesto High this year or next year. He is going onto independent studies so he can concentrate most of his time to his health. His health was so bad this year, his doctors are putting him on to this program. So don't know when you see him again. But I see him every day, so I really am not affected by this.
And if you really care, my dad's dad, my grandfather went into the hospital for the fifth time in a and a half weeks the other day, so if you could keep him in mind, I'm sure many will be thankful for that. My grandma has been so lonely these past few days and weeks, so yeah.
Cheese, I guess this is what I get for losing my diary, you get to read my incredibly boring life and I think like three people even care to begin with so C ya later people. Thanks for reading!
Currently Playing
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
By John Williams, William Ross
Fawksi s Reborn
see related

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