Sunday, March 27, 2011

What is This Feeling, So Sudden and New?

Hey all. As you know I had a meeting with a counselor last week at school and we came up with an education plan. I am very excited because one of my biggest goals id to graduate college. First things first, transfer to a university. Many of the classes I need to take are the same ones the my last boyfriend took while I was with him, and to be honest, this has opened up a lot of memories, thoughts, feelings and nostalgia. I do not think that I ever allowed myself to feel anything for that period of my life, after it all happened. I did not wallow, I did not stop to reminisce, or sit around and consider the good times. It is probably not a good thing to do now, seeing that I have been married to another person for well over two years now. But sometimes, the human heart can not choose what it does. I don't know. I do not think I am a bad person for doing this because there is no way I have feelings for this person, there is no way I would leave my husband, I just kind of want to take a stroll down memory lane. I do not exactly know what that means. Do I read this person's blog, maybe look him up? Do I look through old pictures? Do I listen to music from 2004-2006, maybe read some books from then, burn a candle, drop this person a line to say "hello" and "no hard feelings?"
Ken and I are going to look at schools in Southern California in May, but I have a feeling God is nudging me toward UCSD. I have felt this nudge for about eight years now. When I lived in San Diego the first time, I hung out there all the time with the then boyfriend. It was honestly some of the most fun I had ever had, hanging out there, studying in the libraries, going to socials with him. I am most excited to do a tour at this school. I am also praying to God that I begin to feel settled about my past, and feeling how I feel. I can not describe it. I'm nostalgic, I have butterflies in my stomach.

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