By the Grace of God

Friday April 12, my family is going to be on Good Day Sacramento, a local Good Morning America style show. My mom has a segment promoting her book and the family was invited to be there in the background or something. I'm actually not sure what it is going to be like but McKenna and I will be vlogging the experience for Kelsey and Ken.

My mom got a call on Friday from the producers of the Jeff Probst Show, remember we filmed for them last August?-> http://purplediego.blogspot.com/2012/08/lights-camera-action.html
My parents are also on the commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZqYPfUf9rE&list=FLNczIx9tQtfridvt5WfmkRg&index=1

Well they are finally airing our show on August 21. They were asking for updates on the family and mom said she had her book published, Jordan had joined the marines and that McKenna had been in her pageant in January. It really bothered me that she did not include any information regarding the rest of the family because there is a lot of things that the family has done. For example, one of the highlights of my life, besides taking 7 classes, and being first chair clarinet in the MJC day band is being a deacon and an usher at church. I consider those positions to be an honor, and I am referred to as the "Starbucks girl" more often than not.
The other day my mom bought be a beautiful dress, I am in love with it and I can not remember my mom ever buying me a dress like that. She has purchased McKenna more dresses like that than I can count, and I feel like no matter what, my sisters and I are never going to get the same sort of attention that she gets. No matter how my weight fluctuates, or how I do my make up lighter or darker, or even got the blonde highlights she likes, or how many classes I take or how many "A's" I get, or how many theater classes I take I am never going to capture the interest of her. I have only done one audition in LA because of her efforts and my sisters have don't more than I could count and no matter how much I express my interest in that area, I either am not heard or ignored. I had an audition in San Francisco in November of 2011 and she did not allow me to go even though I had told her I would pay for my own gas in advance.
Yes I am 26, but I am living at home and am a part of the family, but I do not often feel like part of the family. Sure I can drive people around and do chores, but that is the extent of my involvement. It would be nice to really feel like part of the family, and I try, but I keep telling myself that I will get used to the empty feeling I have been feeling for years and years on top of years.

Oh well, I have three weeks of classes left and then I have finals and my bustiest semester will be complete. I still have to attend another play in the next two weeks and write my LLT on it for my theatre class. I was hoping to go to a show earlier today with Mom and McKenna but the conversation I had with my mom about attending must have gotten lost in her head because I was not invited, so I am on the verge of a major major freak out about finding another play to go to.

 I have a meeting with my counselor on Monday morning to make sure I can take the two history classes this summer that will give me the option of applying to CSU's. I am currently on a UC path but I really want to see what my options are. I will be transferring as a theatre major, but I am also interested in music and psychology and really want to find what it best for me, through the grace of God.

I'm just super anxious and excited for this summer and fall, and even more so for what will be happening next year when I graduate and transfer.

Music, for thought

I had the weirdest dream I was in Fever and man, don't I wish it came true. I'm not sure if anyone can really understand how hard it was for me to admit I couldn't do it this year. I had such a blast doing it while I could, but there are too many things happening in my life that won't allow me the honors. I have a friend I'm hoping to spend some time with this summer because I'm fearing her life is coming to an end. She lost almost all of her friends these past two years or so and I just want to be there for her while I can. Then I really need to continue finding a job because even though I'm just going to JC, my parents have made it clear that they are mot going to help me financially in any way. So, I  have to pay for that and attempt to get myself my license, because they won't do that either. So I'm mostly going to be on my own this summer with no one to help me. Plus, like I could afford Fever with a list like that on top. I mean, I will probably find time to do other things this summer, like going to Mexico with my church and somethings a little more tame to do.
If I could give up anything to do it, I would, please someone understand this. This is not really my choice, but I have to get my life and together. Music is something I love to do, but I'm not good enough at it. I got myself involved in so many things, hoping it would help me improve in some way. But nothing has come out of it except a damaged friendship and a lost cause. I could never take it up as a career, because my parents and I both know I'm not that good. They could never afford to get me lessons or anything else. They get bugged when I have to ask them for reeds or anything related to that. I mean with the career I'm trying to get myself into, I'm going to be poor as it is cause trainers don't get paid a lot as far as I'm concerned.
Well I could talk about the rain, cause I don't think anyone is reading this anymore. I usually hate the rain because it is so cold and I hate the cold. I'm always cold. Even in the summer I get cold. But the rain last night was so wonderful, it reminded me of the rain in Hawaii. Those times are perhaps the most magical places in the world. The warm feeling of small specks of water dancing to the rhythm of the wind and moving water. I went out to the balcony and just looked up to the wonders of the universe and just dreamed of the times to come, what ever they might bring and where ever they take us. Then, a sense of loneliness swept over me and carried me into the shelters.
So one of the last dreams of mine for completing my high school career was doing Fever and then I had a dream of it happening and so I got all depressed today. But I got an A on my notebook for economics and took my last test in the class. It was slightly less then perfect, but then so am I. I guess I should probably turn in the book, but I still have 15 minutes til the bell rings and then  I just go to math, the class in which I hold the highest grade.
I think one of the scariest thoughts is I might only be taking one music class in college, if even that. I've have dedicated my whole life to it for 8 years and this is coming to an end.
Oh, David isn't coming back to Modesto High this year or next year. He is going onto independent studies so he can concentrate most of his time to his health. His health was so bad this year, his doctors are putting him on to this program. So don't know when you see him again. But I see him every day, so I really am not affected by this.
And if you really care, my dad's dad, my grandfather went into the hospital for the fifth time in a and a half weeks the other day, so if you could keep him in mind, I'm sure many will be thankful for that. My grandma has been so lonely these past few days and weeks, so yeah.
Cheese, I guess this is what I get for losing my diary, you get to read my incredibly boring life and I think like three people even care to begin with so C ya later people. Thanks for reading!

Currently Playing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets By John Williams, William Ross Fawksi s Reborn see related