Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My 'In-Between"

Recently, I have found myself mildly attached to the movie and book The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. I read the book about three weeks ago and filmed a review that is available on my YouTube, and now here on my blog. I can not say for sure why exactly I have formed a relationship with this story. I do not have a fascination regarding death or the afterlife or serial killers.

There is one scene in the movie where the younger brother, Buckley, tells his grandmother about where his deceased sister is. He explains through a drawing that "Susie is in the in-between."

She is no longer on earth, but she has not yet passed into heaven.  She has, for lack of a better term, 'unfinished business.' Her murderer is still wandering free and she has to stay with her friends and family until his plot line comes to an end.

The reason this theory of 'in-between' has stuck with me recently is because I feel I am in a very in-between place in my life currently. I am in-between a very difficult time in my life, and I am waiting for the next phase to come around.

The ending of a bad relationship is the ending of the difficult time I had to live through, and the beginning of my in-between.

My current state of in-between has been an amazing journey. I have gotten heavily involved in every aspect of performing arts: singing, acting, theater, modeling, television, YouTube and band. I have discovered a part of myself I never knew existed. The world of entertainment. It has left a heavy impact on my life and I am still excited and willing in pursuing a path in that direction.

My in-between has also blessed me with a job.

This phase of in-between has also been a struggle for me. I am dealing with a lot of hurt, and interestingly enough, it does not have to do with people. I can brush off the hurt I have received from people very easily. My hurt comes from experiences. I have a hard time accepting good times I had, if that makes sense. And then I'll get on my own case for leaving those opportunities.
My first hurt comes from anything to do with the time I lived in San Diego. I lived there from July 2005-January 2007. In my typical day, I have to avoid online content, pictures, music and even thought processes that involve Sea World, UCSD, Mesa College, movies I saw while I lived there, places I went while I lived there etc. I can't really describe it other than it hurts to think about it. Even as a psychology major I can't seem to get over it. As a psychology major, I know I never did  process it. Perhaps that is a wrong way of looking at it. I never took time to wallow, or mourn that my time there was over, that that phase of my life was over. I just kept pushing forward with my life.
Another phase in my life that hurts is the time I lived in Napa and worked at Six Flags. I hurt over that because that year was one of the biggest regrets of my life. I did not appreciate my job and the opportunities I had, and I promised myself I would never do that again. Every experience is a blessing and gift from God. I squandered that and I have not/am not going to allow myself to ever feel that way again about an opportunity.
The last part of the hurt I am avoiding dealing with is Disney. As most of you know I have always loved Disney. My true fascination with Disney began in December 2007  when I read my first Walt Disney bio called How to be like Walt.

I could not believe how my love for this man, and the empire he created could jump exponentially. I have read several biographies about Walt, and several of his close friends and fellow Imagineers. I got my hands on every bit of material I could get my grubby hands on: books, documentaries, websites, music, movies, and even museum visits. This lead to the best time of my entire life , working at the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando Florida. I have never in my life been happier than I was from June 2008-May 2009. I had an awesome job where I was respected, had a lot of friends, was a trainer, had a great deal of authority, and I was just happy. I loved Florida, I took advantage of many opportunities, I had a full life.
These days, I have to avoid anything involving Disney: movies, books, music, pictures, internet, and thought processes.

As I reread this, I seem very melodramatic, but I am ok with that.

My hurt is my hurt, and I do not have to justify that to anyone, except God. I pray for healing, and acceptance. I think I am perhaps at the very very beginning of a long healing process because I have been allowing myself to start touching subjects involving Disney, and my tine in San Diego. Watching Disney movies, and listening to music I experienced in 2005-2006 in San Diego are my first steps.

 I am not sure when the next phase is right now.  I know I have two ideas what I want them to be.
My first idea is once again Florida. I grew to hate Florida in 2010. But after taking this time for the last almost year, I realize I honestly love Florida, everything about it. I was in a very bad relationship and I directed my dislike in the wrong direction. I know that if I worked at Disney and Sea World in Florida, I would be happy forever, not a doubt in my mind.
The other idea I have about where I want my life to go is Southern California. For school, Sea World and possibly that nudge toward seeing what Hollywood has to offer.

I have been praying for guidance. I am not making any plans right now, I am just taking my time here in my in-between. Processing, getting to know God, rediscovering myself. It has been a blessed in-between.

If you are in an in-between, I hope you do not rush through it and try to find the next best thing. Take the time to heal, save some money, make a new friend, discover a talent you never knew you had.

Take care, my friends.


Samantha J. Clark said...

This is a really good entry, Kelsey. It's SO important to take healing time. If that means you take it from people, then do that. That's what I had to do. I am just now getting to a place where I am feeling okay enough to go out and enjoy life again. You will figure it out...just allow God to heal you. It might take what seems like forever, but in the end, you will be stronger. I am so proud of you and I know that you will be fine. God will open up the right doors for you!

Kelsey said...

You have no idea how much you have helped me in this journey so far. God is truly using you Samantha =)