Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Short term goals for this month and why

1) Get caught up in my chemistry class.

I have fallen very behind in my chemistry class. I never remember doing especially well in school. My parents decided to home school me in kindergarten and first grade and part of second grade. My mother did not have a firm hand on me completing my schoolwork or seeing that I was meeting the educational standards. The first time I can remember being truly frustrated was when I was in second grade. We had just moved to Hayward and I was still attending school in Fremont. First of all, I have never been supplied with a proper study area. I was using a dresser as a hard surface area to do my work. I was doing a worksheet on learning how many syllables are in words. We were given a word and had to write down the number of syllables. I don't remember exactly why I did not understand this concept. Maybe I did not learn it in class or maybe I was supposed to learn this at home. Whatever the reason was, I was not doing it right, and Mom got on my case about not understanding syllables and I started crying. It was the kind of uncontrollable, pathetic gasping kind of crying too. She got really angry at me for 1) not understanding a simple concept and 2) making a fuss over this. I'm not sure if she understood that I really did not understand how a syllable worked.
Another story comes to mind after mentioning this. I remember when I was home schooled in the first grade or so. I had some worksheets to complete and have checked by my teacher. I remember completing the assignment, but Mom had failed to provide me proper writing utensiles, so I did the assignment in a faded blue crayola marker and I got a talk to by my teacher.
When I went to public school in the second grade, I was very shy, but I did my work. I have always been easily distracted. I will stare off into space, let my mind wander, and get my work done in small bursts here and there. I remember being pulled out of class one day to have a talk with my teacher and my mother about me having two things I had never heard of. One was called attention deficit disorder. The other was called dyslexia. My mom told my teacher there was no such thing as ADD so there was no way I had it. No need to be tested because I would grow out of it eventually. Same with the dyslexia, it was just something I could grow out of.
Lo and behold, I had teachers in my 4th and 5th grade inform my mother that I was having problems concentrating in school. I do not remember having a lot of trouble in 4th grade. I remember I liked reading and learning cursive writing. My spelling was horrible, and it still is. In 5th grade, I remember spending a lot of my recesses inside my class doing homework. I do not remember if I was not doing it at home or what that deal was. My grades were pretty much fine. I had all A's and B's. I was on the honor role.
The next year, in 6th grade, Mom decided to pull me out of school and home school me again. I still do not know why she did that, but I still wish she did not do so. Again, she did not have a grasp on the educational standards, nor on helping me establish a sense of discipline. She let me sign up for a myriad of free field trips to go see different plays, museums and extra classes. I took a class on babysitting and a dissecting class. I have no idea what Mom was thinking thinking that this was enough to get me through my 6th grade education. I do not remember reading any novels, improving grammar or spelling, reading history or learning a huge staple in everyday life now; algebra. Pre-algebra is essential in completing mandatory high school. My mother is not good at math, not does she care an ounce about math. She is also not well educated in most other subjects nor is she gifted at communicating with others. So I did get a lot done in my 6th grade year.
7th and 8th grade went alright school-wise with the exception on spelling and trying to catch up with the math. I was once again making good grades A's, B's and a couple of C's. When my family moved to Modesto, I was a month away from graduating 8th grade so my parents allowed me to stay with a friend so I could finish up school. I got a little behind, but I still graduated.
All through high school, I never did that well. I had teachers ask me if I had been tested for ADD and I had to explain to them that my mother did not believe in ADD. I also still had never been provided with a proper study area, I did not have a desk and the kitchen table was always a mess with trash, food books, papers and other...crap. I still had all of these...nonsense distractions and staring problems. My parents never really encouraged or emphasized or discussed with me life after high school. They never put aside any money or acted interested if I wanted to continue my education.
So for the past 6 years, I have been aimlessly wandering around life and trying to pull my life together with no financial help and no emotional support from my parents. Not even a hint of interest. I've done incredibly well in some classes I've taken, and not so great in others. This chemistry class is really kicking my butt because even with a very open schedule, I have not been able to sit my butt down and study like I should be doing. I am beyond frustrated with my life right now. I start a million little projects and never finish them. I sit down to do my reading or my work problems for school and I find something else that is more important for that time. Whatever is wrong with me, it is getting worse, I am so tired of being behind in school.
So my goal this month is to catch up with my class.

No comments: