Sunday, February 18, 2007

Current mood:flirty
I found out that someone I know is engaged. And for some reason, this is killing me. Every one I know and can think of is either married, engaged or in a serious relationship. Brianna and I are left in the dust. I'm going to be one of those career women. The one who had that one bad relationship, then dedicated her life to her career.
For a long time, I was so sure that I was going to be successful in that area of my life. But now that I look back on my so called love life, it has all been a joke. I've had 2 boyfriends. The first one was just a fun relationship and I have no regrets. Only now that boyfriend was my good close friend for a long time after the relationship was over, and now he won't talk to me. Last time I did talk to him, he lied to my face about why he wasn't talking to me. So I really am sad that that friendship is now over.
My second relationship was a typical bad relationship. I was emotionally pressured and slightly abused. I was even engaged for 10 months. It ended badly, and now I have a horrible rep down in San Diego. I have people who hate me, have a bad image about me. Ben has lied over and over to me and his friends and I look like a piece of white trash from the other side of the tracks. I am made out horrible on his blog, and it hurts, and I am embarrassed because most of it is not true, and he is so thick to publicize about me and my family in that way.
Anyways, to get back on track, I really believe that if you want something enough in life, you will get it. For the past 16 years, I have thought of nothing besides becoming a Shamu Trainer, and now I have broken into that 20. I wanted to so bad, and thought of nothing else, and now I have it. Is it possible that I will never find that special relationship that all of my friends have, because I do not want it enough? I *do* want it. And I do not want it only because everyone else has it. I think that I want it because...Why do I Want it? Maybe that I what I should think about this week. Why does everyone else seem to want to be in these serious relationships? Do they really have nothing else in life to be passionate about as I have?
I think I am way beyond the rebound stage in my life right now. If something were to come up, it would not to get back at anyone, or because I am lonely. It would also be amazing to find someone who was interested in sharing a part of them self with me...I might have just some a weeks worth of thinking in like 5 minutes.

In other news, I think I suck at talking. I am fine at speaking but talking is a whole other matter I have to deal with. I talk to fast, and my words become jumbled, and I stutter sometimes, especially with words containing the letters "D" and "S" My job at  Six Flags is going to contain a lot of talking to people, and passing along information. I think that is the only reason I am nervous about my job.
Starbucks is still not my favorite thing in the world right now, I am tired and I am out!

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