Wednesday, October 12, 2005

It's sad when Ben thinks I'm working too hard and I don't think I'm working hard enough. I've been spending a lot of my time up at UCSD. Been working in the library on homework. Over the weekend I spent about 8 hours working on chemistry. This work is mostly reading, going over the lecture notes and answering the review questions. The review questions are not from the book, but her own questions. Today I spent about four hour working on chem lab. This was finishing up my notebook which is all pre-lab work. Averages about 3 pages long each. Then the lab write up. Those can be from 2-6 pages each plus a discussion plus calculations. I have I think one or 2 left to do.  Then last Wednesday I spent about 6 hours working on math. Only 2 chapters in math. I studied and then the next morning, I totally bombed a test.  No matter how much I work, it never seems like it is enough. I really do not know what to do. I think I'm done working for today. The work I was working on is not going to be needed until next week.
Yesterday I got my test back after not passing. My next class was swimming and because that is such an independent sport, I tend to let my mind wander. My mind was coming to rash conclusions: so I didn't pass the test even after I spent hours preparing for it. Was I too tired? Am I just not good enough? Should I drop out of this class while I still have time? No I think I can pull it off. I can just study more and do more work. Maybe I can sign up for tutoring and get help there. No I don't have time! Maybe Ben can help me. No he is as busy as I am with his classes. I can do it. I just need to study more. When do I have time? I have to work on my lab notebook today. Ack! I should talk to the teacher there too to finish off getting "late added." Maybe she won't add me. Well she has too. I've done all the work and haven't missed a single class so far. So when am I going to do math? Is it really *that* hard? Maybe I'm just retarded and my parents never told me. Maybe I'm not good enough. How can Ben love me even though I can't get through a simple math class? Maybe he is just waiting for the right time to tell me that I'm not ready to be here or that he is having second thoughts about us? I was an absolute wreck when I got home. To make matters worse I took my hair out of a bun...and it stayed like that. Yes I had a knot that took up my entire head. It took 45 minutes to brush out, I was so close to getting the scissors. So I need to get up the courage and cut off seriously 5 inches.
Things got better. I spent about 2 hours working on my lab notebook and I felt better.
Band last night was so stressful. Last practice before the concert. It should be good though Playing:

Star Spangled Banner
Liberty Bell
La Finta Giardineira
2nd Suite
Beautiful Colorado
Harry Potter
Ballet Egyptian
Don't Give Up the Ship
Glory of the Yankee Navy
British Eighth

My dad and Jordan are coming down for that and the Miramar Air show. I'm so excited!

I'm thinking of other things to say but this post is really long and I just decided I'm going to go work on chem lab.
I'm out!

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